Yesterday I ran 2.5 miles and my legs felt so heavy. It took every ounce of willpower (and a well timed M.I.A. jam on Pandora) to get me to the end. I feel like the best parts of running for me are the buildup to it, and the moment I stop. Everything in between is kind of a pain in the ass. I so badly want to be one of those people that LOVES running. I’m sort of thinking that’s not going to happen for me. What I DO love is how accomplished I feel when I’m done. I’ve never been athletic in the least, so I don’t have that innate drive to push myself physically that other people do. For example, there are those people who feel as though their day is not complete if they haven’t gone to the gym or gotten a run in. I feel like my day is not complete if I haven’t spent at least 4.5 hours in front of the tv. 

This morning, I had scheduled myself to run 2 miles before going into work at 12. My mom had told me to take a day off since I had been dragging the day before. I told her I simply couldn’t do that since it was on the schedule. A schedule, mind you, that I pulled completely and totally out of my ass. This morning, it was such a beautiful day for a run. I woke up before my alarm was set to go off. And…. I decided not to go for a run. Partly, I felt like it was a little too soon after a run just 12 hours before. Partly, I wanted to enjoy a rare day when I can sleep in and relax before work. I admit, I felt super guilty and like I had let myself down. I am so completely and utterly rigid most of the time. I think I’m afraid that if I don’t force myself to stick to the arbitrary schedule I give myself, then it’ll be a slippery slope to sloth-dom (Heeey, alliteration!). I simply do not trust myself to be able to self-regulate. It is all or nothing. I think the hardest thing about starting up this running thing is that it requires lots of dedication (which I currently have in spades), but it also requires you to be able to listen to your body. I have such a hard time doing that. My mind rules the roost. This is probably why I fucked up my back doing yoga last weekend. I genuinely don’t know how to say no. 

Starting up running is going to be incredibly challenging in so many ways. I’m happy that I feel so much better as far as health and mood. But I’m also concerned that I’m not going to know when to say when.